wishes

its 12:20 on a school night and all i can do is lay here and wish. wish it was june already and i was graduating. wish i could keep my life on track. wish i could sleep. but right now the wish my mind is most focused on is the wish that i could get up tomorrow and go for a run, my dog at my side. but there are some major problems with that wish, first of which is getting up. i just cant get up in the morning any more my will to actually pshysically get up and move in the morning is gone. the second problem is running, i have never just gone for a run in my life if i did it would probably irritate the muscle i pulled a couple years back or i would put my foot down weird and my ankle would hurt for hours. the third problem is i dont have a dog. never have and it feels like i never will. being able to move out of my parents house for good, into my own place seems outrageously far away. and yet all i can think about is how much i want to go running with my dog.

motivation

as i was lying here in bed the past two days, home sick from school, i thought i would work on a paper i need to finish. instead i find myself wasting time just watching tv and being on a facebook and myspace and now writing this blog. i spent a little while on the paper but got frustrated and stopped now i just cant find the motivation to continue. i often feel like this and it doesnt make any sense. i know i need to work hard and do my best at everything and i want to but...when it comes down to it i just cant get myself to do much.

the puppet masters of life

when will it end? the puppet life we live. i look around at my friends and at myself and i see all the strings attatched to our bodies, and at the end of the strings there are people. parents, teachers, bosses, pastors and youth pastors. all of them holding the strings and controlling us as they please. now matter how fast we run, how hard we pull, how many strings we try to cut we are never free. no matter what we are all stuck. when will it end? when can we cut the strings? when do we have to stop dancing this dance for the puppet master? when?

scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
i cant scream outloud right now because my parents will flip, heck i can never scream outloud. so i typed it. im gonna go to bed now and hope i can sleep.

costumes and fashion trends

so part of my costume in my upcoming play is a tie. one problem i didnt know how to tie a tie. so i was telling my mom this while holding one of my dad's ties and she says 'i'll show you!' so my mom shows me how to tie a tie and i start practicing untill i get it just right. the knot and the length so i was wearing it and my favorite jacket that i always wear cuz its cozy and warm and i put the tie under my jacket collar like a you would on a shirt collar. so what do you think, is it a new trend, girls wearing their dads oddly patterned ties around their jacket collars. haha just kidding.

people.

why are we so wrapped up in eachothers lives. everyone wants to know everything about everyone else. its kinda ridiculous. like once any of my friends finds out that someone has a crush, they sudddenly must know who it is. you would think that we would learn to let people keep some things private. i know i do it too, its just a strange thing, when its you who likes someone or whatever you dont want to tell but if its someone else you have to know. just a little thought of the day for ya.

im pretty dang happy, and pretty dang pissed

so im pretty dang happy because i finally got a raise, 20 cents. not enough to make me stay if i dont get tl but enough to keep me happy for now :). im pretty dang pissed because some idiot almost hit me head on. i was driving down the road in my lane on my side of the road and this idiot turns onto the road going the opposite direction and starts driving in my lane!! i was thinking 'what are you doing?...what are you doing?...WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!??' and then i had two swerve into the other lane to avoid a head on collision!!! stupid people shouldnt be allowed to drive.

day off

so i called in sick today even though at the time i didnt feel quite sick enough at the time because 1. i was getting progressively worse 2. i have to memorize a part in a 30 min play by wednesday 3. i have been so tired lately that i cant sleep. so as i lie here sneezing coughing and alternating between grabbing a warm blanket to cover up with and throwing it off in a desperate need to cool down i have to wonder. will i actually be able to sleep tonight knowing that my best friend is working her butt off without me. and i honestly must say that wont be what keeps me awake. i feel no remorse for calling in, yes i feel bad for brooke having to work on a busy night but im so sick of the crap in my life from school, work, church and family that i dont care. they can get along without me for one night if i can work for them for minimum wage and no gratitude for a year and 4 months. oddly enough when i really think about it i cant leave the people there, well some of them. i love some of them, like others, dont like some and hate a couple but i just cant imagine leaving the ones i like. GRRR why do people have to be so likeable that they can keep you at a job you hate.

fatigue

im so tired right now. last night i got approximately 8 hours of sleep, i got two more this afternoon and still i have been wanting to go to bed for about an hour and a half. why havent i gone to bed? because i started watching an episode of house, so why an hour and a half? because the cop got sick and then foreman got sick and at the end of the episode the cop died but foreman was still sick so of course i had to watch the next episode. and now i cant go to bed even though te episode is over because i have to fine out if the next episode tells us why foreman doesnt know left from right. but the next episode just started and its not the next episode chronologically so who knows why he couldnt tell left from right, but im already hooked on this episode because all the people who got transplants from one donor are all dying. if you followed all that, way to be, thats pretty impressive. so basically im really tired but cant go to bed because house is amazing. must watch whole episode!!! must go to bed. NOPE eye transplant lady is hallucinating about house killing her, watching the episode wins. once again if this made sense to you, way to be.

im so tired...

i could eat a horse...no wait that didnt come out right. if i could get just one looong night of restful sleep that would be great. the past 5 nights i have gotten 4, 3, 2, 9, and 6 hours of sleep. of course the nine hour night was nice but because of the 'sleep debt' from the nights before it wasnt very restful. thank you psychology for all the useful information on why im tired. and thank you life for ruining my natural sleep cycle. particularly work i think we have established that i dont like my job but for whatever reason im not sure i could just up and leave even if i had another job offer. probably the people, like my best friend and my other best friends. but not half my managers or the girl who has a creepy crush on me. anyhoo! im tired.

I QUIT!!!!

ok not really but i wish i did, i wish i could. i work at a theater in case you didnt already know and after 1 year and 4 months my job is driving me crazy. when i was hired minimum wage was 5.85 and i was making 6.50, then minimum wage went up to 6.55 and they said they would make up the difference and we would be making 7.20, so guess what i make? 7.20? no that would make sense, i make 6.55. but the shift leaders who previously made 7.00 got to keep that wage for a while then later got raises to 7.25. while the rest of us got minimum wage. plus none of the shift leaders have been there as long as me and one of them has no idea what he is doing. one knows what to do but doesnt and the other is actually good at it. working in box office is kinda like a mini promotion there is no raise but there is a certain amount of importance to it so only certain people get to be trained to work in there. so when they were looking to train more people to put in there they asked all the shift leaders who they would pick. all four of the shift leaders at the time included me, so did i get it? nope. plus the scheduling manager cant keep track of my three simple requests: no sundays, no wednesdays and no opening on saturdays. I have been opening almost every saturday since i made that request and have been scheduled several wednesdays and a couple sundays, really? the worst part though is when i get scheduled to close on a friday night and open on a saturday morning. while there is usually a gap of 9.5-10 hours between those shifts it takes me an hour after i get home to wind down, and i have trouble sleeping so it takes anywhere from 1-3 hours for me to fall asleep which leaves me at the most 7 hours to actually sleep before i have to get up and get ready again. and during a school week that just doesnt cut it for weekend recouperation. so basically if i dont get the shift leader position this time around im gonna start looking for a new job where after nearly a year and a half i wouldnt be working in the same area everyday for minimum wage getting bossed around by people who have been there half as long as me. just had to vent. and since i have to open tomorrow i better go to bed so i can maybe get those 7 hours!!

it was bound to happen

anyone who knows me knows that i love animals so it was bound to happen, i am writing a blog about them, i could write several (and i probably will) this one happens to be depressing, sorry but its true. people are stupid. if you buy an animal it becomes your responsibility to care for it! if you cant or decide you dont want to then take it to a shelter or give it to someone else who will care for it! any animal is a life and any life is worth caring for. letting an illness or injury go untreated for any reason is so wrong. letting your pet suffer, or even die from something like dehydration or starvation is just sick. beating or confining them to a small space is diturbing. training, and forcing animals to fight is probably the sickest form of abuse. not only does it mutilate and even kill innocent animals, it can affect loving caring owners. pitbulls are the most common fight dogs giving them a horrible reputation of being vicious, aggressive dogs. they arent. they have strong jaws and strong wills to please their owners, making them a dogfighters breed of choice. they can be really sweet dogs just like any other breed, its all in the breeding and training. but because this great breed is so popular in dogfighting rings several cities have banned the breed resulting in several hundreds of responsible owners having to give up their beloved pet either to a person living elsewhere or to authorities to be euthanised. IF YOU CANT BE A RESPONSIBLE OWNER YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE A PET.


just had to vent about that sorry if it got you down or anything but people piss me off sometimes so i have to vent.